Start listening to Dashboard again

Our senior class motto was "Now is the time, no regrets" or, more popularly, "Now is tha time no freakin regrets." Maybe it's because of a new year (new year new you) or because I've had all this time on my hands with not much to do but think but either way I've been thinking about regrets the last few days. Ooh this could get dangerous!

I've heard a couple of people talk lately about how they don't regret anything. Every experience and choice has contributed to who they are and if they changed the past they would change the person they have become. Good for you guys! It seems like you're being really mature and growing up and everything. I, however, regret a lot.

Sure, I believe that every choice and experience has contributed to the person I am today.  But it's hard to separate the ways I've grown from the experiences and choices that caused them. Here's an example:

In 7th grade I had a Japanese exchange student named Mayu. She lived with us for about 2 weeks during the summer and everyday there was some fun activity we all did to show the students the city and all the pleasures of America (pleasures like the water park, mountain, the filming of a local morning tv show, not any dirty pleasures). It was great because some of my other friends had exchange students too so we all got to hang out and do these fun things with cute Japanese kids.

One of our activities was going to the zoo. Super fun, plus our zoo has a train (!) that goes around behind the exhibits, over to the rose garden, and back again. A few of us REALLY wanted to take the train but didn't plan well. As we were getting on the train (like a half hour ride) I knew that we would be at least 20 minutes late. But I was 13 and didn't think of anyone but myself and the zootrain so I got on anyway. This was before cell phones so my mom had no way of knowing where we were. We got back very late and very sheepish and in tons of trouble. I felt guilty about it for weeks.

I could say that this experience taught me about responsibility, time management, and thinking of others instead of the zootrain. That's all true. But I could have learned those lessons without making my mom think I was abducted, without causing all the exchange students to be late for their snack, and without getting a lecture on responsibility from my english teacher. I regret causing hurt and guilt and fear. I don't regret what I learned but I regret the way it all went down.

I can think of lots of things I regret lately. All of them have another side, the side where I learned something, but there are regrettable parts.

I regret ditching people at the last minute or backing out of fun plans. I've learned that I need to set reasonable boundaries and only commit to plans I can keep but I regret making people feel rejected or disappointed.

I regret using people to make myself feel less lonely. I've learned that I'm lonely and that things that feel good in the moment feel pretty awful later.

I regret letting some friendships go and working too hard on others. I've learned that good friends are good friends back to you.

I regret gossiping about people. I just regret this. 

Anyway, I was talking with some friends last night (while some crazies took "ObamaShots" at the bar) and one of them said that if you don't regret things you aren't learning or growing. If you are happy with all your decisions ever then you're probably not learning anything from the bad ones. Good call, girl.

Sorry this post is so emo. I should have started a livejournal. More fun later!

Annnnn